Honesty Hour – Heidi's Highlights

A Look Back at My Twenties

June 3, 2021June 3, 2021Honesty HourLeave a Comment

And so approaches the end of another decade of my life, my twenties. I wish I could go back in time and tell teenage me not to assume I’d have everything figured out by 25. I’d tell her that despite any setbacks, I’d reach my 30th year of life in a place I didn’t think was accessible to me, a little brown girl from Sharpstown, years ago.

This decade showed me so much and humbled me in ways I can’t quite put into words, but it also showed me my strength and resilience in tough situations. I wanted to share some of the biggest lessons I learned in case there’s another little brown girl somewhere (or just anyone) that’s about to turn 20 and is looking ahead with unease and uncertainty. I don’t sugar coat things so fair warning, it will be hard. Ultimately though, you’ll blossom into a beautiful thirty year old and realize it was all for the best.

Timelines are Crap.

I said what I said. I have caused myself so much grief over the years by trying to meet imaginary timelines for everything. Graduate by this date, be married by such and such, buy a house before X date. Save up this much money by then, have my Mom set up the way I’d like by Y. Life literally said nope, nope, nope, and nope. And you know what? It’s fine. Actually, it’s better than fine.

I’m currently happier than I had ever been in my younger years and I wouldn’t trade the position I’m in or the experiences I’ve had for the world. Now, I am not saying that you shouldn’t have goals or should just let life happen to you – don’t do that.

Just know that taking more time to achieve your goals is never a bad thing. If there are stumbles on any of the courses your navigating, say graduating takes you a bit longer than you thought, there is likely a very good reason for it. You just can’t, and likely won’t, understand it until your way on the other side of the mountain.

Be strategic without stressing yourself over arbitrary timelines set by society. Our lives don’t begin and end in our twenties. You shouldn’t sacrifice doing things that are true to you or rush anything you know is in your best interest. If you want to take that extra year to graduate or are going to tough out that job because your gaining knowledge, go ahead. The world will not end because you missed your 17-year-old lofty idea that you’d be making six figures by 25.

You’ll Continue Learning How to Build, Navigate, and Fail at Relationships.

Excuse my French, but – this shit got me. My twenties gave way to my first cute teenybopper love and then a couple of years later to my first “grown-up” relationship. I learned how to navigate the ever-changing and often stressful dynamics with friends and family. Let me just tell y’all now – I failed miserably, time and time again. The real ones are still around despite my blunders, and the same will likely happen with you.

For the girls reading this – let’s talk boys real quick and get it out of the way. LADIES, quit it with the all men are trash nonsense. Some suck, yes, but so can we. Your twenties will hopefully be the foundation for you learning how to be self-aware and conscious of the person you are and how your behaviors are relayed to others. I realized I mimicked my mother’s incredibly strong-willed “it’s my way or the highway” way of managing relationships. After a few years of vicious brawls, struggling with depression, and some enlightening therapy sessions, I finally realized that maaayyybbbeee – the same behavior I found intolerable at home would also be unacceptable to someone else. Note: if you constantly find yourself blaming others (especially in relationships) for the same repeated situations/behaviors, just know it’s a great time to take a second and step back. There’s a common denominator in all of that in need of a little lecture (*ehh hem* – you. FYI – this El/La Toxica sh*t is not cool).

What I will give you a heads up on, is to go ahead and brace yourself to learn these lessons the hard way. I had a very whimsical idea of what growing up would be like in my teens but I can undoubtedly say now, that for every lesson worth learning, I had to be dragged through it. However, these same tribulations will teach you what is most important for your mental and emotional well being. You’ll learn your boundaries and when to be firm versus accommodating, how to be self-accountable. And throughout this course of self discovery I’d also advise you not be so fast at canceling everyone and everything. Most everyone around you are experiencing the same naivety. Give them, and yourself, sufficient grace and empathy.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Sh*t.

Respectfully. This goes for relationships, your career, hell, the neighbors I don’t know. If you feel stressed by them – THAT’S WHO I’M REFERRING TO. If someone/something is constantly robbing you of your joy, your energy, your ability to function correctly – then it’s time to cut that out. Yes, I know I just said give people grace, but don’t do it to the point where you’re over-extending yourself to the max. Everything has a balance and learning when to say no is critical for your self-development. Some of us learn this skill early on, think Naomi Osaka. At 23, she pulled out of the French Open after them throwing a fit because she didn’t want to do a press conference (heavy on the ‘miss me with it’ energy). I’ve only recently learned to have the gumption to put myself first so watching her confidence and strength as she stood her ground has been truly inspiring.

You saying no to some plans you really didn’t want to show up to, or to additional responsibilities way out of your scope won’t, and shouldn’t, be the end of the world. If they are, then it’s time to reevaluate your circumstances.

Do Things That Force You Out of Your Comfort Zone.

Being a certified non-risk taker, I have mastered the craft of staying in my comfort zone. I can think of many ways that hindered me, and if I had to tell myself or you anything – it’d be just that. Don’t be so afraid of the world; book that solo trip, try out that new activity. If you can think of at least a handful of ways that the experience will enrich your life and create memories you’ll look back on fondly, then go for it.

I Still Don’t Know What I’m Doing.

Surprise surprise. This was the most painful lesson of all. I wanted to be the all-knowing Oz by the time I hit 30. I wanted to have answers to everything. I was going to coast through the rest of my life. But whoomp whoomp, if I had everything figured out already, then what the heck would I be doing after 30? It took getting into my late twenties to realize that that would be, for one, painfully boring, and two, what kind of badass would I be if I just stopped growing in my twenties? Oh, that’s right, I wouldn’t be one.

I now don’t mind what’s left to come. I welcome the adventure, the new experiences, the stories I have yet to tell.

Most importantly, I’m thankful for the people that are with me now. The friends that have stuck around through my extraordinary and most disagreeable times. I’m grateful for the wisdom that comes from age and from spending time understanding the generational behaviors passed on within my family. And I’m thankful for surviving the moments that I thought would mentally break me. To the two best friends God gave me – I owe y’all more than you’ll ever know.

P.S.

I don’t care what you’re going through – DO NOT – I REPEAT – ^{DO NOT CUT YOUR BANGS}. Why is this such a thing? I don’t know, but seriously, put the scissors DOWN. And don’t box dye your hair black either. What was I thinking? Lord.

An Unconventional Checklist for the Soon to be Home Buyer

May 11, 2021May 12, 2021Honesty HourLeave a Comment

Today’s market for home buying is INSANE! It seems like everyone is really up for taking on this challenge with continuing record low rates. This makes me so happy because it’s giving so many of us in communities of color an opportunity at home ownership! Especially for those buying our families’ first homes, it is something to be incredibly proud of yourself for. I don’t know about most of you, but going on this venture was hands down one of the most stressful, intimidating, and daunting experiences I had ever embarked on.

For those of you in the same boat, I’d like to share some tips on what you’ll want to have prepared and be on the lookout for to be as well prepared as possible for what’s to come. I am starting after your pre-approval just heads up, so if you haven’t yet, find a lender and make sure you know what your budget is before going on a search that may not end up so well.

Find a home inspector, and if you are buying an older home (anything before 2000), a GREAT plumber. Before you rush to Google the ones with top reviews (a good start), let me share a bit on my mistakes. While yes, Google helps, you also want to take the time to ask these vendors some filtering questions so you can be sure that they are a good fit for YOU. Do you have an engineering/construction etc. background and don’t need to have your handheld through the inspection OR are you clueless when it comes to homes and repairs? Will having someone with the patience to explain the issues found in the house be beneficial for you? Before choosing a vendor, ask how they feel about your current situation and the time you think you may need. Once you have those details, then make a decision.

For those searching for an older home, do not, under any circumstances, skip the plumbing inspection. There is plenty of information out there that makes these tests seem too invasive, putting current homeowners on edge. They fear that this may cause damage to their drainage system, but that is simply not the case. A hydrostatic test means merely that the plumbing system will be stopped up, filled with water, and the plumber will wait to see where, if anywhere, the water pressure starts to drop. That will signal to them that there is a leak somewhere in the water lines of the home. Older homes in Houston have galvanized pipes for their water and sewer lines. Knowing if there are any leaks and getting these repaired before closing will save you TONS of headaches and expenses later on.

2. Find your top 3 preferred home insurance companies. I say top 3 because things like overall service, responsiveness during issues, and reputation can all be gauged with or without having a home you’ve submitted an offer on. Once you find the home of your dreams, you can then submit the details to all 3 and pick your best option based off of your budget. Do not make this decision based solely on price. Having a great insurance provider when repairs are needed will be extremely valuable down the line.

3. Have an emergency budget. I think $1000 set aside is reasonable and hopefully, you don’t need it at all. But for those of us purchasing an older home, you can almost be sure that there will be some repairs that you’ll want to do prior to closing on the house. There could also be unexpected emergencies (I closed on my home and 3 weeks later the Winter Storm of 2021 hit Houston) and so on. Having a safety net set aside expressly for home repairs will be a much welcome source of relief.

4. Get your current home as organized as you can. In retrospect, I should’ve left my “do everything myself” mentality aside on this one. I could’ve saved so much time and energy if I had just hired some help. Offering everything from Office, Home, and Apartment moving, as well as Packing and Unpacking Services – the professionals at Gameday Moving Services Houston are the perfect solution to one of the biggest home-buying headaches, and I wish I had known about these long-distance movers in Houston, Texas sooner!

Inspect the home yourself. You’d be surprised, but the best person to inspect every nook and cranny of the house is you! Go real old school and grab a pen and paper, make sure your phone is charged, and check every little thing in the home. Turn on faucets on both cold and hot water. Take as much of a ‘walk’ as possible through the attic and check your AC. What kind of freon does it need? Make sure it’s the kind that’s still avaliable (yeepp lol that’s a thing). Check the insulation; is it super worn out and will you likely want to get another layer added or is it at the point of no return and you’ll want to clean it all out and start fresh? See if there are signs of water damage under the water lines running through the attic and inside of any kitchen and bathroom cabinets. Check the corners of your home and all walls; see any funny cracks anywhere? Same with the brick on the outside of the house. Open and close all your windows and doors and make sure these move with ease.

You can never be too prepared to buy your first home. Hopefully, these tips help any of you that are on this journey so you feel even more prepared to cross the finish line of closing on your property! And no matter what, remember that although stressful, this is a blessing! What an incredible time for yourself and your family! Enjoy the process as much as possible and rest assured that things will turn out great in the end.

First Generation-er’s, where ya at?

September 28, 2020September 28, 2020Honesty HourLeave a Comment

Written Sep 3, 2018

The past few weeks as I’ve been going thru well, life, I’ve had some opportunities to talk to some of my fellow first gen’s about some difficulties I’ve been having. All a mix of growing pains and self-inflicted pressure. I realized that we were all going through some version of these same situations silently and so I thought I’d write about them. Maybe this is helpful to one of you reading this and you’ll find comfort in knowing you aren’t the only one feeling what you’re feeling.

Careers/Education.

Okay. First things first. Who here is the child of immigrant parents and has felt this immeasurable sense of needing to be the best thing since sliced bread? That, or face mass judgement by the best of your family members and eternal sneak disses by that one auntie.

I’m currently imagining a mass of hands going up (praying a lot of people read this post to amount to a mass of hands to begin with LOL) and heads nodding feverishly like “Yassss girl I FEEL that!”

To make things worse, you feel like you’re disrespecting the hardship your parents might’ve gone through to get to the U.S. because of your “failures” and you’ve got yourself quite the predicament.

For some of you, I know this fuels your fire like nothing else and you head out into the world and become the Cesar Milan’s/Uzo Aduba’s/Michelle Kwan’s that we celebrate. The awareness of the opportunities you’ve been given and the example of such hard-working, relentless families surrounding you propel you forward to accomplish the greatest of heights. Hats off to you my friends, because you’re pushing the boundaries of what can be accomplished no matter the circumstances every single day.

But that isn’t all of us, and it’s not me. Personally, I have always had a hard time with this pressure. It’s often been debilitating, difficult, and overwhelming to try to navigate life as a young adult while also trying to live up to my mom and dads’ expectations of what I should be. Heidi you should do this, Heidi you’ve got so much opportunity just go that way. The subtle hints of “we came here with nothing and have given you everything we can, so make something of it,” suck. As you grow up with the usual stresses of school, trying to figure out the kind of person you’re going to become, and maturing, you also consider the high expectations you have to live up to. And I know a lot of you will read this and think, okay well boohoo that’s every child, right?

I beg to differ.

For those of you non first-gen folks, you have a pretty big advantage. Your families are more ingrained with American culture and you taking your time to figure out what path your life will take doesn’t feel like a make or break decision. You’ve hopefully got a little more wiggle room and freedom to enjoy and explore life while you consider what it is will be your choice to go full steam ahead with your future. A lot of first generation kids don’t have that. Many become the sole revenue streams for their families early on, and any change in their paths comes with a lot of consideration as to how it affects one or more individuals they are responsible for.

Some of you might have dreams of being something totally different than what your family has molded for you. You may not have any dreams at all and are trying to figure out your passions. Asking for patience and respect and kindness in these incredibly personal times can be awkward and risky. Our loved ones unrelenting desire to see us succeed often manifests itself as them constantly pushing us to be our “best.” The consideration of whether we are genuinely happy often gets lost in the chaos.

Relationships.

I don’t know about most of you, but just the thought of having a relationship and telling my parents makes me cringe. Sorry but if you aren’t a doctor/genius/part time attorney/pioneering politician/and weekend astronaunt – good luck. Okay, I’m exaggerating but I know for many of us first gen’s, bringing home someone “worthy enough” is a MAJOR deal.

I remember growing up I’d watch all these shows where the kids bring their dates home and it’s no big deal, everyone giggles and welcomes whoever in like it’s just another day. HA! Cute.

Not our case. I’ve literally made a rule for myself that unless I think or see potential of myself marrying the individual, no one’s coming home. Why you might ask, is this such a big deal?

In my case, my mom like so many others, did not have the best of relationships. Abusive, controlling, toxic, relationships are incredibly common in a lot of our cultures and our parents (I’m looking at you my beautiful immigrant Momma’s) go into the world with a paralyzing fear that we might end up in the same situation as them. Therefore, they do everything in their power to make sure that doesn’t happen. For others, marriage could be considered a golden opportunity for you to move up in the world. And for some of you it may even be both!

Regardless, dating is no easy feat and often our choices and caution are misunderstood by others who haven’t had an experience quite like ours.

“Your” Future.

The quotation marks are on purpose.

You can do whatever you’d like with your life, absolutely. But for a lot of us, that means keeping in mind the ten other items that go along with making sure that as you age, so is your family. You’ve got to plan your retirement aspirations as well as your parents, your grandparents’, maybe even aunts and uncles. Immigrant families are close knit groups and the love and lifestyle that you enjoy because of the proximity is amazing. It also however, lends itself to carrying a lot of responsibility for us first gen-er’s. Our decision making is intricate and multi-faceted because so much of what we choose to do and act upon can greatly influence the lives of those closest to us. A lot of us end up maturing developing empathetic sensibilities quickly because we understand from young ages that our choices affect those closest to us.

So, what now?

So, my fellow first generationer’s, now what? What do we do with all these chips being seemingly stacked on our plate from jump, while we try to also balance having our own freedom’s and experiences? The biggest crutch for me are my friends. Expand your outlook. Get to know others and learn what they grew up like. Explore the cultures of those around you and you’ll quickly find similarities, especially if you happen to be the children of immigrant parents. I almost never have the answers, but after lengthy consultations with the girls who I know understand me the most, I often walk away with more clarity and peace than I would’ve ever had trying to figure things out on my own.

In addition to forming those fundamental bonds, learn to understand and empathize with yourself. The pressure of so many responsibilities is heavy and can overwhelm even those with the strongest of mindsets.

Give yourself space and find something that allows you to spend some time being truly selfish. Go to an arcade, spend an afternoon at a beach or lake. Find your equilibrium and allow yourself to remember that this is YOUR life to live no matter what. We’ll always yearn to do the best for those around us but, disregarding yourself and your mental well being is the quickest way to fail everyone, not just yourself.

Try not to let the fear of making mistakes paralyze you. You’re going to let people down every now and then. It’s a natural process in life. Don’t avoid things because you’re scared of what your loved ones will say or do. If they dislike it, oh well. If they gossip about it, oh well. It’s your life to live and they’ll get over it, eventually.

And finally, don’t be so hard on them. Whether it’s your parents, grandparents, extended family, whomever. They all have varying reasons for having come to this country and most of the time those aren’t positive. They’ve often lived through hardships that we can’t even fathom and through the years have done their best to raise the children they’ve brought into this world. They’ve often spent the bulk of their lifetimes in countries with much different views on parenting and relationships and it will take them years of continual growth to understand that your expectations are going to be different that what they expected from their families.

They won’t ever be perfect and more than likely the sheltering and protectiveness is a result of them wanting to protect you from the evils they’ve seen can occur in the world we live in.

Embrace who you are and where you come from. As first generationer’s we get to add to the kaleidoscope of cultures that make this nation so great and your story is valuable. Hold your head up high, quirky family and all. Trust me, there’s plenty of people that understand exactly what you’re going through.

And to @bosefina, preach girl. That tweet spoke to me for sure.

Written Sept 3, 2018

Mental Health Awareness is Important

September 28, 2020September 28, 2020Honesty HourLeave a Comment

Written Jun 8, 2018

June 2017. Houston Pride Parade. I’ll never forget that night. I had gone out to enjoy the festivities with a group of my closest friends and had a blast. Dancing, screaming at the awesome parade cars, drinking (a little more than my usual although I didn’t notice it at first), and spending time with my girls. It was all great.

By the time 1 AM rolled around, I found myself sprawled on the bathroom floor weeping incessantly and being cradled by my friend Mearaph like a baby. Was I a little too inebriated? Sure. Was there so much more than what at a surface level looked like a bad night of drinking? Absolutely. Had I been purposely drinking to drown out the demons in my mind? No doubt.

I had never totally acknowledged the lingering feeling I had of hitting rock bottom until that night. The weight of everything that held me down finally threw me off balance strongly enough to get me to stumble. My roller coaster relationship with my mom, my own insecurities about myself and the progression of my career, my spiraling relationship; all of it lodged itself in my throat as the biggest knot that after a few drinks of whiskey and months of self denial was completely unraveled.

That night I quietly accepted what I had been trying so hard to block out and what would become my invisible carry-on luggage for the next 8 months: I was extremely depressed.

On the outside, everything seemed so picture perfect. I had a good job, a boyfriend, amazing girlfriends. I was always the happy one, care-free, unapologetically myself and proud of it. A deeper look on the inside showed an entirely different person. I was afraid of everything, I was self-conscious and self-critical of myself in ways you couldn’t imagine, I felt lonely and misunderstood, I was consistently angry.

Getting up every day? Forget it. For months it was a mashup between waking up and still feeling exhausted (after 10+ hours of sleep), crying like, as soon as I woke up, or just laying there for another 30 minutes not moving and hating my life. Social events? I was probably mad I had to go or crying about feeling ugly right before showing up with a dazzling smile. Arguments with friends/family? Forget it. I was a combination of Cardi B/Eminem when they’re angry on steroids.

It took everything in my power to survive, and a lot of internal conflict to keep me from doing anything drastic. I also realized that cycle had become almost normal in my life.

I can trace back to middle school the up and down trends of my emotions and the battles with becoming overwhelmed with life as it is, and losing control of my mental stability. As the year rolled forward, my behavior worsened. I lost friends, my relationship ended, and I lost myself.

Although on the outside I was thriving and seeming to live a happy and exciting life, by the time the holidays rolled around I felt useless.

So what did I do? We always hear about the really big things folks tackle to manage their mental illness, but for my personal experience, it was the following tiny, daily changes that made the biggest impact.

1) I reached out!

This one is huge, but if you’re dealing with depression TELL YOUR CIRCLE (s/o to my best friends). If you’re scared, then find your one person and let them help you. If you don’t think you have that someone, call one of the many free resources out there! Betterhelp.com, the Suicide Prevention Hotline (1 800 273 8255), call your insurance provider and see what therapists are in your area. Then make sure you GO. You don’t have to go through this alone. Having direction and clarity with what to do with your feelings is the foundation for healing.

2) I forgave myself.

It sounds weirdly simple but until I was able to do this, genuinely, I kept failing at trying to get out of my hole. Remember all that self-hate and self-doubt? Everyone goes through even small amounts of that. It’s a normal part of being human. The waking up late and constant crying? It’s okay! Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you loved who you knew was living through a difficult time. Forget about beating yourself up for every mistake and every negative thought. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Accept yourself with all of your flaws.

3) I was honest about my feelings.

It is SO easy to pretend to others and even yourself that you’re fine. Don’t do that. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re mad, be mad. If you’re happy, be happy! Don’t lie to yourself and don’t suppress your feelings. It only makes healing harder and creates additional unnecessary tension.

4) I did what I loved.

Again, sounds simple enough but I seemed to forget this during my dark days. I always loved dance, and I always loved going to church. Somehow I lost that in the span of that year. I had so little to really look forward to and it affected me greatly. Once I was able to finally bring those back into my life routinely, it helped me stay motivated to keep going. I wanted to feel well enough to make it to Wednesday service. I wanted to have my energy for my dance lessons on the weekends. I wanted to show up to each of those and actually enjoy them.

Taking every single one of these fundamental steps created a change in me that I wouldn’t have imagined was ever possible. Through MightyHeidi, I will continue to share my perspective and the steps that helped me continue on a path of emotional growth. Let’s help each other be stronger one conversation at a time.

– Be Mighty

Update – If any of you would like to begin counseling with an amazing therapist in the Galleria area I highly recommend: https://www.kbtcounseling.com/

Buyer’s Remorse – The First Gen Kid Edition

September 28, 2020September 28, 2020Honesty HourLeave a Comment

Written Mar 25, 2019

So a couple weekends ago I booked a flight to Portland on a slightly last minute whim because I needed a weekend away from Houston. I also had to cancel another trip I was supposed to take so I said screw it, let me finally go see my beautiful friend Judy.

I get there and the whole time I’m sending my mom pictures of all the beautiful scenery and just feeling so guilty that I’m out seeing all of this, without her. Does this happen to anyone else? Because literally every trip I take, or any big event I go to that I feel like she’d enjoy, that guilt kicks in QUICK.

I have to take a step back and dig deep down and think of why I feel this way. The older I get it seems like the harder it is for me to enjoy myself without this thought constantly lingering in the back of my mind.

The Background.

So there’s always one event specifically etched in my memory and that makes the heaviness of all this so much worse. Not long ago my mom told me a story of a random Friday night when I was about 7 years old. We were home, just chilling and watching TV together. Home at that time was the little apartment we lived in in the hood (still is ‘cause this come up is taking your girl a longggg time). Our home was empty except for the small hand me down TV we had from my aunt (I think? Someone gave it to us) and the pile of blankets we had in the bedroom as our makeshift bed. Yup, times were that hard.

My mom loved this place, she still does. It was the first place she could call home. Ever since she had gotten to Houston from El Salvador she had never had a whole apartment on her own. She lived with my uncle and aunt for some time, then my dad (which more often than not was hell), then my aunts again when we left his home. We were wanderers in the world and every time we always felt like a burden to our family.

Here we were on this Friday night and apparently, I got this undying craving for a pizza. Sounds normal right? Well little did I know that this was a nearly impossible luxury at the time. My mom was a single mom but on top of that, an undocumented single mom. She’d cleaned houses my whole life, but she also refused to live a life where she sacrificed being home with me after school in order to afford more “things.” We never had much, but I always had my mom.

Years later in a spurt of consciousness she told me that one of those nights when she caved to her little girls’ cravings, she was spending the last twenty dollars she had to her name.

The Guilt.

So fast track to present day. It usually hits me when I’m sitting on a plane, about to take off to the next destination. Now, you can imagine how much I love going on adventures if darn pizzas were a luxury growing up. I love walking through an airport with my luggage, feeling so proud that I not only can afford to be there, but that I am familiar with the environment. The airiness gets to my head a little bit once I zip through the TSA line because, obvs, your girl has pre check *insert sassy hand emoji* and I’m not about to wait in line.

All that leads to those few minutes of waiting in my seat as everyone settles down before takeoff. My mind invariably jumps to my mom and that darn pizza. For one, I always wish she was coming with me, but she never really wants to. Two, I always feel so bad that this is what I’m spending my money on. What if there’s an emergency later on and I should’ve been saving? What if my mom needs me and instead of being home every second of every day like she was, I’m out enjoying myself and “living my best life.” And every time, I quietly choke up a little bit, partly because I’m always crying, partly because I feel so guilty.

Now my moms not sitting at home wishing she was doing all these things either. She’s happy where she’s at, with life as it’s unfolded. And we do plenty of things, just not as often as I’d like to. This tension I feel is more so a battle with myself. I always want more for her. I always want to shower her with everything she hasn’t been able to have. I’m always troubled because financially I haven’t been able to provide for us like I’ve always wanted to.

The Calm.

Then usually, after a few minutes of bringing my woes and fears to a slow simmer, I catch my breath right when the pilot tells us to make sure we’re buckled up for takeoff. During one of my therapy sessions a while back, I described this feeling to my therapist and she made an observation which I’ll never forget.

I am wanting my mom to live a life based off of what I perceive as “good” and “happiness” for her. But I’ve realized throughout the years that my mom is mostly just happy spending time with myself and our family. She enjoys being surrounded by the people she loves and taking care of them. The glitz and glam of jumping from one plane to the next isn’t even on her radar, but getting everyone together for Thanksgiving dinner? Now we’re talking.

That’s not to say that every now and then she wants to explore the world, of course she does. But it isn’t something that I should use to beat myself up about, which I think a lot of us First Gen-er’s tend to do.

Whether it’s our parents, or our siblings, or loved ones around us, take the time to consider if some of the pressure you put on yourself is actually real, or if it’s a reality you’ve concocted because you have a preconceived notion about what life should look like for the people around you.

Remember what matters most to yourself, and what matters most to your loved ones. As long as you’re meeting those goals, then don’t bog yourself down about what society tries to tell you you should be doing. I struggle with this still, but when I genuinely take the time to remember how blessed I am, it always makes a huge difference on my perspective of where I am in life.

Til next time amigos, #bemighty!

Heidi A.